What Is Your Agenda? How do we meet a person?

When I had just begun teaching the Alexander Technique, one of my very first students was a man in his forties—highly influential, confident, and responsible for leading a large number of people.

From the very first lesson, everything I offered was met with:

“Yes, yes, I know that.”

“Yes, I’ve heard this.”

In truth, his knowledge of the Alexander Technique was minimal, and he clearly needed help. Yet there was a wall of resistance—firm, articulate, and immovable.

I was young, inexperienced, and deeply unsettled. I felt dismissed, inadequate, and unsure how to proceed.

I shared my distress with a close friend from training— a Buddhist practitioner and a wise woman. She listened quietly, she paused for a moment, and then asked:

“What is your agenda?”

The question startled me. I had never considered it.

I replied, rather defensively,

“My agenda is to teach the Alexander Technique.”

She nodded, then asked another question:

“And what is his agenda?”

That stopped me again.

On the surface, his agenda was obvious—he had come to learn the Alexander Technique. But beneath that, there was resistance, control, perhaps a need to be seen or acknowledged.

I said tentatively,

“Maybe he needs to be acknowledged.”

She smiled and said something I have never forgotten:

“Can you hold your agenda in one hand, and his agenda in the other—and hold both simultaneously?”

At the next lesson, I did something very different. I didn’t begin with the usual routine: chair work, explanations, or “what the Alexander Technique is.” Instead, I sat opposite him and said:

“Let’s see if there is a journey here for both of us.

How can I help you?

What is your first priority?

What would you like to address?”

I asked—and I listened.

I didn’t rush to teach the Alexander Technique, at least not in the way I thought I was meant to.

What followed was a transformation.

He softened.

He listened.

He became a pupil.

It was as if being deeply acknowledged allowed him to trust—and to let go of his resistance.

Since then, this question has stayed with me, and I often share it with Alexander Technique teachers:

What is your agenda?

Is it:

To teach the Alexander Technique?

To help this person through the Alexander Technique?

To listen—to yourself, to them, to the moment?

To find your own clarity, direction, and presence?

The answer isn’t fixed. It changes.

And perhaps just as important is asking our students:

What is your agenda?

What do you expect?

What would you like to achieve?

When we acknowledge where we are—and where they are—something real can begin.

Sometimes, holding both agendas is the most powerful teaching we can offer.